Batman always meant for his belt to be black and, when they shipped him a bunch of yellow pouches instead of a black belt, he got all pouty. But then, crime struck and Batman knew what he had to do…
Make Alfred sew together all the pouches into one pimp-ass belt.
When Dr. Robert Langstrom first showed up in his mutated form and Batman was like, “WHO OR WHAT ARE YOU?” and Langstrom said “MAN-BAT” Batman’s immediate reaction was like, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT, MAN? THIS IS MY SCHTICK!! NO ONE EVER FIGHTS SUPERMAN AND IS ALL, ’I’M MAN-SUPER! TOTALLY DIFFERENT THAN YOU!’ FUCK NO, I’M GONNA ENJOY BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, YA STUPID ASSHOLE!’”
“ALFRED! INSPIRATION HAS STRUCK! STOP SEWING THAT ‘BAT-BOY’ COSTUME AND MAKE IT INTO A -ROBIN- COSTUME!”
“Um… Excuse me, Master Bruce… Do you mean… a robin? Like the … Bird?”
“A BAT AND THE STATE BIRD OF MICHIGAN! THOSE WILL STRIKE FEAR INTO CRIMINALS!”“I hate you, Master Bruce.”
BRUCE: You know what? I bet Joker doesn’t ever stop and think about the effect he’s had on the clown market in Gotham. I bet there are a bunch of respectable hard-working dudes out there who want to get dressed up as clowns and celebrate kids birthdays but they can’t because they’re worried I’ll throw a bat-a-rang at their face… And you know what else? I THINK I would throw a bat-a-rang at their face. I … I think I would!
TIM: I hate getting high with you, Dad.
Bane doesn’t have a “real” name. He’s just Bane. Always has been, always will be. Even when Batman beats him up and the police take him downtown for processing, when they run his fingerprints, all that pops up is “Bane.”
That’s always made Bruce preeeeeeeetty jealous.
Bruce Wayne is a pretty smart dude, but even he doesn’t know which of the 50 United States Gotham City is located in. New Jersey, maybe?? And don’t even BOTHER asking where Metropolis is…
1. Dick Grayson.
2. Tim Drake.
3. Damian Wayne.
4. Ace the Bat Hound
5. The snail that Batman dressed up in a tiny Robin suit when he was high as shit in Thogal training with the monks. That Robin was ironically later eaten by a REAL robin.
6. A dirty, sweaty, empty Robin suit sitting in the hamper.
7. A yellow, green, and red dookie.
8. Literally NO Robin.
9. Jason Todd.
-Bruce’s Top Secret List of Robins from Best to Worst-
from Bruce’s TOP TOP TOP SECRET DIARY
Alfred: Truth or dare?
Bruce: Truth!
Alfred: Why not just become a cop?
Tim Drake: Ooooo!! Good question!! GOOD QUESTION!!
Bruce: Because no one is afraid of cops.
Alfred: … Are you serious? Like, EVERYONE is afraid of cops. People on the highway will SLAM on their brakes if they see a white Crown Vic parked somewhere.
Bruce: BUT POLICE USE THE WORLD’S MOST EVIL INVENTION - THE GUN!!
Tim Drake: Oi…
Bruce: Oi what??
Tim Drake: No, nothing.
Bruce: Guns are evil. ALL GUNS. I WILL NEVER USE A GUN OF ANY KIND.
Tim Drake: You know what? Sure. Keep thinking that.
Bruce: I WILL! AND DO!!!
Alfred: Alright, you know what? It’s time someone told you…
Bruce: Told me what?
Tim Drake: Alfred, no!
Alfred: No, it’s time SOMEONE told him…
Bruce: Told me WHAT?!
Alfred: Your grappling hook is LITERALLY a gun. It’s called a GRAPPLING GUN.
Bruce: …
Bruce: ………..
Bruce: … I’ll be in the cave. I’ve got some serious thinking to do. This, like every time we play, was a very informative game of “Truth or Dare.”
Whenever he has a free minute, Alfred likes to relax by trying to perfect the Pennyworth family mint julep recipe. Each one he makes is grosser than the last because, as it turns out, mint julep are, like, +100 gross.
There are 8 different Clayfaces. According to the latest census date, at this rate, by 2043, there will be more Clayfaces in Gotham than non-Clayfaces.
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Anonymous asked:
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